After a lifetime of trauma and multiple relationships with narcissistic people, including parents, close friends and romantic partners, I have become the type of person who constantly questions myself. I had that propensity in the first place, I guess. Usually, I was told I was the one who was wrong, and I believed it. When things go awry or are not going the way I want them to or expect them to go, I immediately go to “what did I do wrong” or “what am I doing wrong?” If not that, then “what can I do better?” I live in a constant state of of almost panic when I am in a romantic relationship because I worry that I have said something or done something that has been misinterpreted. I am often misinterpreted and misunderstood. This has happened my entire life and has led to a lot of disasters. People make assumptions about what I have said or done without asking me first, and even when I try to tell them the truth, they believe their assumptions anyway.
Once, I had a friend who asked me to go on a trip with her. We planned the whole thing and purchased airline tickets, hotel etc.. At the last minute, she backed out for what I considered lame reasons. I was not able to get a refund on most of the bookings. I was pretty mad about it and she was not very apologetic at all. We got into quite a tiff over it but ultimately semi resolved our issues, or at least agreed to disagree and move on. The thing is, I am someone who will say what I mean and mean what I say. I don’t make underhanded comments. Much later, She posted some photo on facebook, and I made a comment on it. Like a lot of people, I didn’t think about the comment, it was in passing. Three days later, I get a message from her that says “never make a comment on my photo like that again.” I had no idea what she was talking about. At this point, I had commented on more than one of her photos. She had to explain in detail to me what she was talking about and what she thought I meant by my comment on the photo. I was shocked and I tried to tell her that I had not intended my comment in any way that she thought but she wouldn’t believe it. I didn’t know if she was trying to gaslight me because she was still mad over the trip incident or what, but we essentially never spoke again. These are the kinds of disasters that happen to me, and it’s happened on more than one occasion! I can tell multiple stories like this.
People think that they are the center of the universe and that you are thinking about them and scheming to do things to them, but in reality, most people have their minds on themselves or elsewhere, or at least I do. I have no interest in making someone jealous or making fun of someone or trying to call someone out or get revenge. It’s petty and boring. I let karma take care of that, or whatever you want to call it. It’s such a waste of time to be manipulative like that. Even thinking about it drains my energy. It’s low brow and low vibrational.
But I worry because I think I have done or said something with unintentional consequences, and I worry that the people I do care about will get the wrong impression. So I just want to say here and now, it was not my intention. I don’t intentionally make people jealous. I don’t try to embarrass someone. I don’t intentionally do anything. If I call you out on something, it’s because whatever you have done has pissed me off enough to say it outloud. A lot of the time, I don’t recognize when someone else is jealous, embarrassed or flirting in a social situation. Why? Because social situations stress me out and I am overwhelmed with my own emotions and the emotions of others around me, or possibly the emotions of one or two people. I may not realize something until later, or at all. Sometimes, social situations are too much for me because of loud music or strong smells or people standing too close to me or bumping into me or walking behind me. If the lighting is weird then that is going to bother me as well. I can’t concentrate on people speaking to me directly.
Honestly, I’m exhausted from people always thinking negatively about me and reading me the wrong way or misinterpreting my words or actions. My brain does not operate the same as a lot of other people, and I have become more aware of this. Am I on the spectrum? I don’t know. According to all the online autism tests I have taken, yes. I’m borderline or high functioning or level 1 or whatever. I may or may not get further evaluated but I am trying to decide if it’s worth it and why would I need it. Adam, my son, has been extensively evaluated since age 18 months. He is considered level 3 or 4 (I can’t remember) and is moderately severe or something like that. I had my daughter take same online tests as I took, and she ended up being level 2. So, I guess it runs in the family. Looking back, I suspect my dad was autistic because he used to pace and stim all the time (although I didn’t know it was called stimming) but he used to do a weird thing with his hands while pacing. He also couldn’t handle certain colors and textures of clothing and things like that.
I feel like this is rambling and pointless, but the bottom line, I didn’t do what you think I did and I didn’t say what you thought I said. And if you are trying to interpret my words or actions, then ask me directly for interpretation. Also, if you are interpreting something I did negatively, you are most likely wrong about it because that is not how I roll.